Reconnecting

Met up with my ex-John tonight. Well..it wasn't just us; two of our friends were there, too. We decided to meet at Coldstone, and it was okay. Not as awkward as I was bracing myself for, but not completely smooth sailing. Don't get me wrong, it has been our most normal hang out by far. That is...since the break up....6 years ago.

It's weird. Though we probably haven't spoken more than a couple dozen words to each other in the past 6 years, there are (many) times where I still really miss him, and wish we were still friends. Heck, there are times when I think that I want to still be with him. But then, I realize that nothing's changed between us; the reasons I broke up with him are still the same, and the same problems would still be there. What is that problem, you ask? It's stupid, but it's because he's not Christian. And since that was the reason I gave back then, how could I go against my word now and ignore that? Anyway, I'm not here to harp on that point again.

Tonight, I gave both him and the other guy their Christmas presents. I got them each a bottle of wine. Why? I know they're both self-proclaimed wine snobs, but I know I picked good wines. I wasn't expecting to spend so much on them, but there I was, with handwritten tasting notes to go with them. Yes I was nervous about tonight. The last time John and I were hanging out, we hardly said hello or goodbye, let alone have a real conversation. Yes. I tried to buy him with presents and alcohol. Did it work? I think so.

All day, as I was mentally preparing for tonight's hangout, I thought, maybe there's a chance that I still like him? Maybe there's a chance for something to happen this weekend? But throughout the evening, I realized that I like the old him, before be became all worldly and jaded and cynical. I don't like the present him, though I think we're still highly compatible.

But I think, most of all, I just miss being close to someone; I just miss being close to a guy. Being able to have that one guy who understands me, who will listen to me, who will try his hardest to be there for me. Not someone who puts me on a pedestal and is afraid of me, but someone who unconditionally loves me. I know, God loves me, and accepts me and all my flaws, but I miss having a here-and-now-person like that. And I guess I just realize more and more each day that he was the closest guy I've had.

But this might just be the bourbon speaking now.