Nowhere to go. No one to turn to. So here I am. Being brutally honest with myself. Facing my truth.
The truth is, this year has been difficult. This week has been difficult. And I don't think I'm doing very well these days. Moments of self-doubt, moments where all I want to do is break down and cry. But there's always something holding me back, not letting me be vulnerable with myself. Afraid that if I do allow that second of weakness, that I'll never recover. Mostly, it's me being stupid and letting my thoughts be wrapped up in self pity.
It's difficult to appear strong, cool, and collected, when I've been rejected on so many fronts. I'm not sure which is the final straw, but perhaps this camel has reached her tipping point.
I've made it to the final interview just to be told (or not told) that the hiring committee has decided to go with another candidate, and thank you for my time. Not just once or twice, but I've made the final interview at every school I've interviewed at. Why make me jump through hoops getting my lesson plans, references, and writing samples if you're not going to hire me? Am I really THAT close every time, and yet still lacking?
Dating in NYC is difficult. I understand that, and I'm not expecting Prince Charming to drive up, hold the door open, and sweep me off my feet. I expect relationships to be work and compromise. But I never thought that I was bad at dating, until this summer. I'm not socially unaware. I know how to act, what to wear, what to say, on a date. Not that I'm pretending I'm someone I'm not, but let's be honest — there's a necessary song and dance that's appropriate for these social situations. When there's no chemistry, and both parties are aware, and agree to move on, that's normal. But when there is chemistry and compatibility, and everyone seems to have had a good time, what's the problem then? And not even the courtesy to tell me that you're not interested. Just..radio silence? Really?
And lastly, this summer has made it painfully aware that one of my closest and longest friendships has run its course. I've been friends with this girl since 1996. Best friends. We could see each other every day at school, then talk on the phone for hours and still not run out of things to talk about. She was the closest of my friends, but over the years, she's decided to not invest in our relationship. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, she hasn't really been there, or even indicated that she's trying. While it's true that we always pick up where we left off, and things are fine, but who is happy with a stagnating relationship? If we're not moving forward, we're moving backward, and all those other cliche idioms. I saw it coming, but I always came up with excuses defending her absences for her. There is a point when it's time to punch out, and I suppose the end-of-the-work-day bell rang this summer. I've thought about confronting her about it, but will that really change anything at this point? I suppose it's time to find a new Netflix account to share.
All this to say, I'm tired. I'm tired of acting like these things don't phase me, like I'm ok with everything. I'm tired of putting myself out there. I want to keep my head down and stay in my comfortable routine. But I won't. I know I won't. Whether I like it or not, there is this hope flickering inside me, saying, "Just one more. It'll be this next one, trust me."
01 September 2015
26 May 2013
Whirlwind Romance?
This month has been so good, and yet, so bad, for me. I finally reconciled with my high school boyfriend after 8 years. Through those eight years, we've both grown and matured, and finally, at the beginning of this month, we were able to talk about what had happened and move on.
At least, that's what I thought.
While I hadn't exactly been pining for him all these years, I can't say I ever really got over him, and after each interaction, I was made keenly aware just how compatible we are on so many levels. After meeting with him the first time this month, I was acutely aware of how much I had missed him as a friend, and being mature adults now, we were able to be friends. So for the two weeks he was home, we hung out maybe six or seven times, and started texting every night. Then, he left to Michigan, and I thought that we'd cool it with the talking. Then, I went to Puerto Rico for four days, and I thought we'd cool it with the texting.
After I got back, we started talking on the phone at night. So for the better part of the week, we talked on the phone at night. For hours. Like...anywhere from 3-5 hours a night.
It was dumb. I knew from the start that it was a bad idea. But instead of labeling it and defining what was happening, I decided to just go with it and see where it would lead me. Just, go with the flow. Let it happen organically. But we both knew it was a bad idea. So last night, after a couple hours on the phone, we finally had THE TALK. "Was it odd that we were spending so much time on the phone together?" he asked. "Yes, it is." I replied. We both realized and acknowledged our poor judgment, and the fact that we were slipping back into old habits. Habits not practiced for the better part of a decade, but so familiar and comfortable. And we discussed what "being friends" would look like for us. And we both agreed to cool it with the interactions.
So today, as much as I wanted to, I resisted texting him. Twenty-one hours after we talked, we're still maintaining radio silence.
Being completely honest, it's both harder and easier than I imagined. Life just went on as it did a month ago, and nothing really changed. But it really feels like we broke up again. For good, this time. I can't even say it's bittersweet. It's just...nothing. Three weeks with my high school sweetheart, and now we act as if nothing happened. As if we don't feel the connection, the draw. As if neither of us really wants to give this a serious try.
In three weeks, I feel like I got my best friend back, and lost him again. I was happy for those three weeks. Happier than I'd been in three years.
I am glad that we've reconciled and are on good terms now. But at the same time, what does it mean, that we have to consciously choose to NOT contact each other, not be reminded of snippets of conversation? At least I know I'm not the only one this time.
At least, that's what I thought.
While I hadn't exactly been pining for him all these years, I can't say I ever really got over him, and after each interaction, I was made keenly aware just how compatible we are on so many levels. After meeting with him the first time this month, I was acutely aware of how much I had missed him as a friend, and being mature adults now, we were able to be friends. So for the two weeks he was home, we hung out maybe six or seven times, and started texting every night. Then, he left to Michigan, and I thought that we'd cool it with the talking. Then, I went to Puerto Rico for four days, and I thought we'd cool it with the texting.
After I got back, we started talking on the phone at night. So for the better part of the week, we talked on the phone at night. For hours. Like...anywhere from 3-5 hours a night.
It was dumb. I knew from the start that it was a bad idea. But instead of labeling it and defining what was happening, I decided to just go with it and see where it would lead me. Just, go with the flow. Let it happen organically. But we both knew it was a bad idea. So last night, after a couple hours on the phone, we finally had THE TALK. "Was it odd that we were spending so much time on the phone together?" he asked. "Yes, it is." I replied. We both realized and acknowledged our poor judgment, and the fact that we were slipping back into old habits. Habits not practiced for the better part of a decade, but so familiar and comfortable. And we discussed what "being friends" would look like for us. And we both agreed to cool it with the interactions.
So today, as much as I wanted to, I resisted texting him. Twenty-one hours after we talked, we're still maintaining radio silence.
Being completely honest, it's both harder and easier than I imagined. Life just went on as it did a month ago, and nothing really changed. But it really feels like we broke up again. For good, this time. I can't even say it's bittersweet. It's just...nothing. Three weeks with my high school sweetheart, and now we act as if nothing happened. As if we don't feel the connection, the draw. As if neither of us really wants to give this a serious try.
In three weeks, I feel like I got my best friend back, and lost him again. I was happy for those three weeks. Happier than I'd been in three years.
I am glad that we've reconciled and are on good terms now. But at the same time, what does it mean, that we have to consciously choose to NOT contact each other, not be reminded of snippets of conversation? At least I know I'm not the only one this time.
07 November 2012
Annoyed and Untrusting
I'm annoyed at my brother. Soooo annoyed at him. Tonight, he asked me if I would be mad that he told his fiancé about my bra. Like, what?
Rewinding back to this morning:
This morning, he came into my room so I could tell him about a vexing dream I'd just had. Upon entering, he sees my bra just sitting on my dresser, and he laughs because it's so big. Mind you, I'm not that boobacious, but my mom insisted on buying Ds because the cup is bigger, so it wraps around my snugly. Of course, I would never buy D-cups, but she did, and what's done is done. I fill them in pretty well, which is why I keep wearing them, but don't get the wrong idea, I'm NOT busty. Anyway...fast forward to tonight. He told his fiancé, apparently laughing because of the silly thing that my mom did, and while I'm not upset that he told her, because obviously I don't really care, but I'm upset that he had the nerve to ask AFTER THE FACT. What if I was sensitive about the subject, or did get mad that he said anything about it? What would that change? He can't unsay the past. No, all he'll do is tell her that I'm upset about it. Great, so now I seem like the small person who can't take a joke. If he thought that I'd be upset, maybe he shouldn't have told her in the first place! So all I said at the time was that he's 30 now, and he should be able to use his own judgment, to which he replied, "I did." Really? So NOW I'm upset!
I just feel like, lately, he hasn't been thinking things through very well. I'm sure he's thinking things, but he seems to be drawing all the wrong conclusions. His whole world is now revolving around his fiancé. Which is fine and good and all, but that doesn't mean he can ignore his responsibilities and throw us in the dirt. Yes, I understand that he loves her and wants the best for her, but if my hypothetical future boyfriend were to become so irresponsible and inconsiderate towards his family. You bet I'd say something about it to him. I'm not sure how much he's planning on spending on is wedding, but I already know that however much it is, is too more than he can afford to spend at this point. There's no bigger picture, no far sight. No 远见. My other brother put it best, he's not being a good steward.
And the cherry on top of it all, is that he's the eldest. He's supposed to be setting a good example of the type of guy I'm supposed to be looking for. Now, it's become the type of guy that I should avoid. Worst of all, is that I feel horrible for thinking like so. The bubble has been burst, the glass, shattered. My respect for him, diminished. I've been harboring a personal secret for the past two weeks, unsure of why I couldn't tell him, and now I know why. I can't trust him anymore. I can't trust his lack of better judgment.
Rewinding back to this morning:
This morning, he came into my room so I could tell him about a vexing dream I'd just had. Upon entering, he sees my bra just sitting on my dresser, and he laughs because it's so big. Mind you, I'm not that boobacious, but my mom insisted on buying Ds because the cup is bigger, so it wraps around my snugly. Of course, I would never buy D-cups, but she did, and what's done is done. I fill them in pretty well, which is why I keep wearing them, but don't get the wrong idea, I'm NOT busty. Anyway...fast forward to tonight. He told his fiancé, apparently laughing because of the silly thing that my mom did, and while I'm not upset that he told her, because obviously I don't really care, but I'm upset that he had the nerve to ask AFTER THE FACT. What if I was sensitive about the subject, or did get mad that he said anything about it? What would that change? He can't unsay the past. No, all he'll do is tell her that I'm upset about it. Great, so now I seem like the small person who can't take a joke. If he thought that I'd be upset, maybe he shouldn't have told her in the first place! So all I said at the time was that he's 30 now, and he should be able to use his own judgment, to which he replied, "I did." Really? So NOW I'm upset!
I just feel like, lately, he hasn't been thinking things through very well. I'm sure he's thinking things, but he seems to be drawing all the wrong conclusions. His whole world is now revolving around his fiancé. Which is fine and good and all, but that doesn't mean he can ignore his responsibilities and throw us in the dirt. Yes, I understand that he loves her and wants the best for her, but if my hypothetical future boyfriend were to become so irresponsible and inconsiderate towards his family. You bet I'd say something about it to him. I'm not sure how much he's planning on spending on is wedding, but I already know that however much it is, is too more than he can afford to spend at this point. There's no bigger picture, no far sight. No 远见. My other brother put it best, he's not being a good steward.
And the cherry on top of it all, is that he's the eldest. He's supposed to be setting a good example of the type of guy I'm supposed to be looking for. Now, it's become the type of guy that I should avoid. Worst of all, is that I feel horrible for thinking like so. The bubble has been burst, the glass, shattered. My respect for him, diminished. I've been harboring a personal secret for the past two weeks, unsure of why I couldn't tell him, and now I know why. I can't trust him anymore. I can't trust his lack of better judgment.
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