I'll See You When I See You

Imagine someone you know. What would you do with that person if they only had a day left to live? Week? Year? Imagine that person already left, and you didn't know the last time you saw him would be the very last time. What do you wish you did? 

My grandfather is 90 years old. I think he's ninety, anyway. He's been ninety for about 3 years now, as Chinese aging goes. He has a clean bill of health, has complete control over all his mental and physical faculties. But who knows how much longer he has? I feel like I should get to know him more, but every day, I'm so busy, and my schedule doesn't line up with his sleep schedule. Excuses? Perhaps. I think, if I knew he only had a month left to live, I would want to hear his stories. He's actually been on a lot of adventures in his youth; fascinating stories that you'd never guess he had by looking at him.

I think everyone has a fascinating story lying somewhere beneath the surface. 

Then I think about my friends. Some whom I haven't seen in weeks, months, years. What if I never see them again? What do I wish I could have done with them? One last night on the town, building memories that will last a lifetime? Just sit and soak in the person's essence, burning into memory her laugh, his smile? Wish I could take back that final, awkward goodbye side-hug? 

I want to learn to cherish people more. 

Harry Houdini: Escape Artist

At what point in my life did I put myself into a box? When did my identity become what it is today? I remember when I was younger, I thought I could be anyone, do anything. Doctor, teacher, artist, mother, entrepreneur, research scientist; the world was at my fingertips. So I chose to be a music teacher, and music teacher I am. And this title has truly become my identity. It restricts my social life, it commands my interactions, it supersedes my every thought and action. "Sorry, I can't hang out, I have to teach." "Yes I can teach piano; here's my card." "I can't go there. I'm a teacher...what if someone sees me?"

At what point did this happen? When did this box become so small, so limited? There are so many things I wish I did earlier, that now I must either postpone to a later date, give up my dreams, or go ahead and do them, feeling guilty all the while. Sure, I'd love to learn how to snowboard; I'd love to at least step onto a ski mountain. But I can't cancel lessons for that. That would be irresponsible. And teachers should be responsible people. Go see my friend's band play in a sketchy bar? I'd love to..oh wait..I have to awake early on Saturdays to teach. My friend is getting married, but I don't know if I can go, because of grad classes.

Earlier, I wrote that I am the star of this movie called Life. Somehow, though, without my knowledge, I have been typecast. Regardless of the movie, I am forever stuck in this role. Like Paul Rudd. Or Zoey Deschanel. I wish I could be Harry Houdini. No matter the confines, the chains and straight-jackets, locks, water, cages, he always found a way to escape. Even if his assistants slapped chains on him, placed him in a box full of water, with chains on the box, and locks on the chains, he was free to go the Balcony Box D, or walk in from the wings, or spring up from the floorboards. I wish I had the confidence to move to another place. Even to the next town would be nice. But I can't. I wish I could take a year off and travel, or try things. I even wish I could earn an MBA, just to prove that I can. And yet, there's nothing practical about that.

So here I am. Sensible Music Teacher. Preparing my assignment for tomorrow's Dalcroze class. Writing emails to parents about the upcoming exams. Planning for the next week, month, season, year. Labeled and Confined, concerned about my own sanity Liberty.

We're Officially Friends Now.

This is stupid, I know, but I'm really happy that I'm facebook friends with John now. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy to become facebook friends with someone. I know that being friends on facebook doesn't amount to much these days, but for me, this is huge.

I noticed some activity in my feed yesterday, and so I messaged him, and he wrote back:

Hope your semester's off to a great start! You're only friends with Jess and Tony? Did you deactivate and reactivate your account? Oh, and if you did...you might want to re-check your privacy settings.

What?! Two years away from facebook and you didn't know? Clearly you have not been facebook for its intended purpose of stalking. Also, privacy settings? What did zuckerberg do this time?

Lol a lot has changed on fb in the past two years. Just make sure people who you're not friends with can't see anything you don't want them to see, or be able to search for you and so on. Not that you have any incriminating photos/posts up...yet.

Then he friend requested me. I don't know if it's because we're okay now, or if he felt obliged to friend me, or because he wants to stalk me... Regardless of the reason, I'm happy. Really happy. 

Of course I didn't stalk him. Well...not much. Why? To protect myself. Because I know that there will always be a part of me who will never forget him. Because I still care about him. Because I'm stupid like that. Now that we're friends, I find that I need to actively practice self-discipline, so I don't go bombarding his wall or inbox with posts, even though I really want to. 

I mean, never in a million years would he want me back, and unless major changes take place, I can't take him back. Not that he's interested. 

For now, though, I'm just happy that we can talk. 

Mumble Jumble

My thoughts have been so unorganized lately. I blame the recent winter break, but I know it's really my fault for not trying to focus. I know I should write more, and there are many times throughout a day when I think, "oh, I should write an entry about this," but then I forget about it for a while, or I'm not near my laptop, or I have other things to do. All excuses aside, the biggest reason why I don't write is because I'm afraid of the future. Future Me will look back on these and think, "wow, I was so stupid back then," or, "what was I thinking, putting this out there for all to see?" Probably the former.

A few smatterings from my brain this past month:

YeYe pulled me aside on Monday, asking why I had moved my seat during dinner the previous night. My brother and his girlfriend came home in the middle of dinner, so I made room for them to sit next to each other. YeYe didn't like that I had given up my spot, and preceded to lecture me about never giving up my spot next to him ever again, to anybody, even to my parents. That spot next to him was mine, and I am to guard it from everyone, for it is my duty to take care of him. Then he went on to say how I should always stand front and center in pictures, to never be caught in the back row, hidden by others. Height has nothing to do with placement. And as he was lecturing me, I thought, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.
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I went to LA for my cousin's wedding last weekend. It was our first family wedding (I didn't go back to Taiwan for those weddings), and I was a bit nervous about it. I didn't want to be the dorky, awkward cousin who can't dance. I didn't want to be considered a whale, compared to my new cousin-in-law's friends, who are these tiny, petite, Asian hotties. Well, I worried for nothing. None of us East Coast-ers could dance to THAT music. And none of us East Coast-ers interacted with the LA friends. Plus, I wasn't this giant whale compared to the girls...I was a giant compared to the guys, too. I think it's time to up my time doing cardio.
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I complain about how my friends don't do anything; they don't wear make up, they don't do hair, they don't drink, they don't do ANYTHING. Then I got to thinking, because they don't do those things, I don't do those things. If I want fun friends, I need to do fun things, myself. It isn't so much a new year's resolution, so much as I'm just trying new things. I'm going to the gym more, getting more training, so I can be more fit and able to do things with my new, fun friends. Like snowboarding. Or rock climbing. I also started learning guitar from my friend. More like my friend's boyfriend. It's a little weird, because he's not a primary, and we're the same age, and he's really cute. But I know he's a great guy who would never try anything and I'm not a homewrecker. I'm only there to learn guitar. And I'm practicing more piano, but only because my brother isn't home and I can practice without worrying about waking him up.
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There is a line from the tv show How I Met Your Mother that has really stuck with me. Even though I'm desperate for the show to just end, and I'm just bearing with this season, hoping that the writers will realize that this show is past it's peak, there was one good line. It was from episode 10 "Tick, Tick, Tick," when Robin and Barney had cheated with each other, and were going to confess to their respective bf/gf. Robin says, "There's something I need to tell you," and Kevin says, "Then don't say it. Not everything that needs to be said needs to be heard." How can I distinguish what needs to be said and what needs to be heard, without hurting the other party?
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There are a number of people from whom I'm estranged, due to my choices, actions, or words. I know little good comes from dwelling in the past and what-ifs, but I can't help but ask, "what if?" What if I tried harder, or never snubbed (in chronological order): Jenny H, Ben W, Robert B, Cecilia M, John W, Andrew T, Jonathan K, Sam K, Esther K, Jason C, Chris M, Adam C, Chris M, Joseph C, Ben F to name just a few friends-who-could've-still-been and other interests. Maybe life would have been better. Or maybe I dodged a couple bullets.
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My normal trainer has been sick this week, so this other guy has been training me. He's kinda cute. But he's seen me weak and sweaty, so...no.
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