At this point, I'm about 80% sure that M isn't interested in me, nor will he be interested in me in the future. I'm fine with that. I really am. I just need to hear it from him. Of course, there's no way that's going to happen anytime soon. Because I'll never ask. And the topic will never be brought up.
I could squelch my feelings, but part of me still hopes, still clings to the glimmer of a chance that maybe, maybe I'm wrong. When I think of M and me, I think, we would be perfect together. There's just that little fact of him not knowing. Hah. I'm such a silly girl. But why not? No harm, no foul, right?
On the other hand, I realize that we wouldn't be good together. Don't get me wrong, he's perfect. The dream guy. Mr. Ken. The problem is me. I know that he's looking for a girl who is confident of herself, who doesn't need constant reassurance. I'm not needy, I don't think. But I know that I do suffer from self-confidence issues. I don't act like it, but I always think lower of myself than perhaps I should. I'm looking for a guy with whom I can be weak. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to always put up a front. I want someone I can be vulnerable before. But he's so wonderful, I can't bring myself to be weak in front of him. I can't let him think that he'd be settling.
So we wouldn't work together. And I know that. Eighty-percent of me knows that, anyway. As for the rest...I just need to hear it from him, and that pesky 20% will join the rest.
21 October 2012
09 October 2012
Oh...So That's the Reason
Today, I realized where my lack of self-esteem and abandonment issues lie. My friends can rest assured that it's not because of them, but the reasons lie closer to home.
Growing up, I always adored my big brothers. They were my big brothers, after all, and while I probably didn't worship the ground they stood on, I did listen to them and try to follow their advice and warnings. I know that I've complained a lot about my friends, how they flake on me, don't put in any effort et cetera et cetera et cetera. And true as that may be, I only have this fear of unbelonging because of my brothers. I suppose, if I were them, I wouldn't want an annoying little sister always tagging along, butting into conversations, taking all the glory and presents.
But I guess my fears have been realized. I'm not as desired as I thought, or wished. And I'm sorry that I take it out on my friends. I know I should trust them more, but it's so hard after years of emotional/psychological....neglect? abuse? something else?
Last week, my second brother got engaged. At the end of this month, my eldest brother will be engaged. That's fine. I like my future sister-in-laws. I didn't think that I was losing my brothers, but I was gaining sisters. Blah blah...what a load of rubbish. I guess I'm the only one who really cares about stuff like that anyway. My eldest brother told me that his gf/future fiance/future wife asked if it's okay that she not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I know that when I first met her last year, I said I was cool with that, but I thought we've grown so close over this year. What hurts more, though, is that my brother said that it was okay. So what, HE doesn't care to have me in the wedding party? I'm sorry, who do they think is going to be helping with the planning? Certainly not the sister who he lives with, and is the only one of her girl friends who's actually around. And my other brother, he let me know (didn't even tell me) that he was engaged by making a facebook account. FACEBOOK!! When I told him that I thought we were closer than that, he had the nerve to ask if we were close!! really. REALLY! No we're not close...we just chat online a couple times a week. We used to talk on the phone for hours ever week during senior year. We're not close. I don't deserve better than that. Silly me. How could I have been so mistaken?
So yeah, forgive me if I come across as a little clingy or demand that my friends invest a little into our relationship. My brother would ask me why I have such low self esteem. It's not hard to see why if you take into account that my brothers don't even want me involved in the biggest days of their lives. No, I guess I'm cool with that. Or will be.
The stupidest thing about this whole thing is that this is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Growing up, I always adored my big brothers. They were my big brothers, after all, and while I probably didn't worship the ground they stood on, I did listen to them and try to follow their advice and warnings. I know that I've complained a lot about my friends, how they flake on me, don't put in any effort et cetera et cetera et cetera. And true as that may be, I only have this fear of unbelonging because of my brothers. I suppose, if I were them, I wouldn't want an annoying little sister always tagging along, butting into conversations, taking all the glory and presents.
But I guess my fears have been realized. I'm not as desired as I thought, or wished. And I'm sorry that I take it out on my friends. I know I should trust them more, but it's so hard after years of emotional/psychological....neglect? abuse? something else?
Last week, my second brother got engaged. At the end of this month, my eldest brother will be engaged. That's fine. I like my future sister-in-laws. I didn't think that I was losing my brothers, but I was gaining sisters. Blah blah...what a load of rubbish. I guess I'm the only one who really cares about stuff like that anyway. My eldest brother told me that his gf/future fiance/future wife asked if it's okay that she not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I know that when I first met her last year, I said I was cool with that, but I thought we've grown so close over this year. What hurts more, though, is that my brother said that it was okay. So what, HE doesn't care to have me in the wedding party? I'm sorry, who do they think is going to be helping with the planning? Certainly not the sister who he lives with, and is the only one of her girl friends who's actually around. And my other brother, he let me know (didn't even tell me) that he was engaged by making a facebook account. FACEBOOK!! When I told him that I thought we were closer than that, he had the nerve to ask if we were close!! really. REALLY! No we're not close...we just chat online a couple times a week. We used to talk on the phone for hours ever week during senior year. We're not close. I don't deserve better than that. Silly me. How could I have been so mistaken?
So yeah, forgive me if I come across as a little clingy or demand that my friends invest a little into our relationship. My brother would ask me why I have such low self esteem. It's not hard to see why if you take into account that my brothers don't even want me involved in the biggest days of their lives. No, I guess I'm cool with that. Or will be.
The stupidest thing about this whole thing is that this is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)