Today was not a good day. For me, it was an okay day; for my brother, it was a horrible day. He got in a tiff with his girlfriend. The original reason doesn't matter, but she doesn't want to talk about it, and that's why he's upset. He wants to talk about it, together, to work through it and grow as a couple. She doesn't want to talk about it, just let it pass, ignore it, and it will fix itself. Seeing my brother's state all day today, I understand why he wants to talk; being a passive-aggressive like her, I understand why she doesn't want to talk. So I just sat there. And tonight, I just sat on my brother's bed, listening, trying to be there for him. But he wants to talk. So we get to talking every now and then.
I didn't really know what to say. He says it's important for couples to talk through things together, not just one person dealing with it. I said I just deal with it. If I have a problem with the guy, I'll just deal with it on my own. My brother doesn't get that. I said something about how marriage is a commitment, not based on warm, happy feelings called "love," but a conscious decision to be with a person, no matter what. He said that it's different with a spouse, that I'd have to eventually open up to the person, to allow myself to get hurt, to be vulnerable with him. He doesn't want me to be in a relationship where I'm just bearing with the guy, where I'm "dealing" with it on my own. I said I don't know how to be vulnerable, that I can't trust people, that I don't trust anyone 100% right now, and I probably wouldn't trust my husband 100%, even after we're married. He said he knows that I'm a strong, independent person, but that some day, someone will want to care for me, that I won't have to be strong and independent before him.
And that made me cry.
I don't know why. I told him, I want nothing more than to not have to be strong. But hearing it from someone else, it didn't seem possible. I just, don't really believe that that'll ever happen to me, for me. The more I think about it, the less it seems like I'll ever find someone to be weak with, where I don't have to try so hard, someone I can be open and vulnerable to, even though I don't know how.
I've always thought that I'd find someone. The possibility of not has never seriously crossed my mind. But tonight, I really don't see it happening. Ever. And I feel resigned to that. As if I gave up hope on finding him. The idea that nobody but Jesus will love me. I'm sure I'll get married, that I'll make that leap, that commitment. But will I reach that level of trust and vulnerability? I don't know.
And that makes me sad. To the point of tears.
21 October 2011
13 October 2011
7 weeks in, what have I learned in grad school so far?
One of my classes this semester is titled: the Science and Romance of Wine. It's basically a survey of the wines of the world, starting with what a grape is, covering a brief history of wine, discussing wine production and classifications, and finally different wine regions. We just finished a 4-lecture unit of French wines.
I don't particularly like wine. I don't enjoy drinking wines. I can't really tell the difference between one wine and the next. But I think I should. I think that I ought to enjoy drinking wine. And my hopes were that by knowing more about it, I would come to a deeper appreciation of wine. Just took the midterm tonight. Can't say I appreciate it any more or less than before. But I do know a little more today than I did seven weeks ago.
And I know enough now to know that my ex is full of it.
Two summers ago, the bunch of us decided to go wine tasting. It may have been my idea, I don't remember anymore, but somehow, we got our act together and the eight of us drove out to a Long Island winery. Over the course of the afternoon, we tasted 6-8 wines, basking in the warm summer sun under an umbrella, taking in the scents of cigar smoke from the next table over, and awkwardly not interacting with my ex. Well, I was the only one not interacting with him. Anyway, he and our friend, Tony, had taken a wine class sometime during undergrad, and they were going on and on about the flavors and the streaks, the age and the process by which it was produced. I remember he asked our server if one of the cabernets had its second fermentation in an oak barrel, because he tasted vanilla, grapefruit and raspberries. She said yes, and the group was very impressed, in awe that he could determine that from the two sips he took.
What a load of bull.
Almost all red wines have their second fermentation in an oak barrel. At the time, I thought he was trying to be so impressive with his crazy wine-tasting skills. I thought he was a joke.
Now I know that he was.
I don't particularly like wine. I don't enjoy drinking wines. I can't really tell the difference between one wine and the next. But I think I should. I think that I ought to enjoy drinking wine. And my hopes were that by knowing more about it, I would come to a deeper appreciation of wine. Just took the midterm tonight. Can't say I appreciate it any more or less than before. But I do know a little more today than I did seven weeks ago.
And I know enough now to know that my ex is full of it.
Two summers ago, the bunch of us decided to go wine tasting. It may have been my idea, I don't remember anymore, but somehow, we got our act together and the eight of us drove out to a Long Island winery. Over the course of the afternoon, we tasted 6-8 wines, basking in the warm summer sun under an umbrella, taking in the scents of cigar smoke from the next table over, and awkwardly not interacting with my ex. Well, I was the only one not interacting with him. Anyway, he and our friend, Tony, had taken a wine class sometime during undergrad, and they were going on and on about the flavors and the streaks, the age and the process by which it was produced. I remember he asked our server if one of the cabernets had its second fermentation in an oak barrel, because he tasted vanilla, grapefruit and raspberries. She said yes, and the group was very impressed, in awe that he could determine that from the two sips he took.
What a load of bull.
Almost all red wines have their second fermentation in an oak barrel. At the time, I thought he was trying to be so impressive with his crazy wine-tasting skills. I thought he was a joke.
Now I know that he was.
03 October 2011
Um...Hm?
umm....Not really sure what happened this past week.
It all started with free tickets and an invite to a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park:
Hey May,
I got some free tix to BEP concert at central park this Fri! I am also asking other ppl at church, lemme know if ur interested!
Eddie
After a bit of "thanks for organizing this" and "we're meeting at Columbus Circle at 5:30" (to which Queens/Brooklyn traffic made me 30 minutes late), the 6 of us had a good night of mediocre music, interesting/inappropriate dancers around us, rain, and yummy Flushing food. I sent everyone home (which added an hour to my hour-long drive), and it was fun. He, and others, texted me, making sure I got home okay:
hey, have you got home yet?
Not yet. In about 10 minutes.
texting while driving?! haha. get home safe. it was great fun tonight! thanks for coming out, good night!
That was Friday night.
Today at church, we did our customary "Hi how are you?" in the hallway during lunch, and that was about it. I was hanging out at church, waiting to teach a lesson, and he came over to the group I was with and was like, "May, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going back to China for a few months...Because I haven't seen my dad in a while. But I'll be back." So I was just standing there stupidly, not knowing what to do, so I gave him a light hug goodbye. So awkward, I know, but I was already hugging other people goodbye, and I wouldn't be seeing him for a few months. Then he asks for my email address.
An hour later, after my lesson, I get a text from him:
hey, May. are you free on Thursday night. I just realized I have two tickets to Carnegie Hall that night. It will be Mariinsky orchestra playing Tchaikovskys symphony 1, 6. it starts at 8, it would be great if you can come! yes, i do have a lot of tix, lol.
So, of course, I'm a little wary, wondering if maybe I'm reading into things a little too much. During dessert/coffee, I ask my brother and our church friends if I was, and they all agreed that it sounds like a date. Well, if I reschedule lessons on Thursday, I'd be able to make it, but I need to reschedule next Thursday's lesson for a city shopping trip, and I can't change two weeks in a row; that'd be too unprofessional. So I text him back telling him I can't, sorry.
A few hours later, I get this massive text from him saying:
it feels i will be missing a lot. every person from church has been so warmth and touching, live the true meaning of love. i will be missing every single person there. it's been a life changing six months for me, coming to church and the church resides in me. I just wished time can pause, I had more time, or taken up more chances to know more about everyone, in the end it's the people that matters the most. I preciously value every moment of church for the past few weeks as i finally opened my heart, a bit late, hehe, but i have been really happy :) im actually going away for work there, not that im never coming back, but not that frequently :) mom and sister are here, home is always here, it might be destiny i have to go abroad. sorry, scaring you off with the massive message, haha i just feel like you are someone i can pour my words out. look forward the next time we meet!!
...so of course, now I feel bad rejecting his invitation to a free concert, and stuff. Maybe I was a bit hasty in my decision, but I can't take it back. I also don't really know what just happened. I know what the texts said, but I don't know what they really said.
Not that it matters. He's going to China next Tuesday. And I don't think I'm even interested. Though I could be.
It all started with free tickets and an invite to a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park:
Hey May,
I got some free tix to BEP concert at central park this Fri! I am also asking other ppl at church, lemme know if ur interested!
Eddie
After a bit of "thanks for organizing this" and "we're meeting at Columbus Circle at 5:30" (to which Queens/Brooklyn traffic made me 30 minutes late), the 6 of us had a good night of mediocre music, interesting/inappropriate dancers around us, rain, and yummy Flushing food. I sent everyone home (which added an hour to my hour-long drive), and it was fun. He, and others, texted me, making sure I got home okay:
hey, have you got home yet?
Not yet. In about 10 minutes.
texting while driving?! haha. get home safe. it was great fun tonight! thanks for coming out, good night!
That was Friday night.
Today at church, we did our customary "Hi how are you?" in the hallway during lunch, and that was about it. I was hanging out at church, waiting to teach a lesson, and he came over to the group I was with and was like, "May, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going back to China for a few months...Because I haven't seen my dad in a while. But I'll be back." So I was just standing there stupidly, not knowing what to do, so I gave him a light hug goodbye. So awkward, I know, but I was already hugging other people goodbye, and I wouldn't be seeing him for a few months. Then he asks for my email address.
An hour later, after my lesson, I get a text from him:
hey, May. are you free on Thursday night. I just realized I have two tickets to Carnegie Hall that night. It will be Mariinsky orchestra playing Tchaikovskys symphony 1, 6. it starts at 8, it would be great if you can come! yes, i do have a lot of tix, lol.
So, of course, I'm a little wary, wondering if maybe I'm reading into things a little too much. During dessert/coffee, I ask my brother and our church friends if I was, and they all agreed that it sounds like a date. Well, if I reschedule lessons on Thursday, I'd be able to make it, but I need to reschedule next Thursday's lesson for a city shopping trip, and I can't change two weeks in a row; that'd be too unprofessional. So I text him back telling him I can't, sorry.
A few hours later, I get this massive text from him saying:
it feels i will be missing a lot. every person from church has been so warmth and touching, live the true meaning of love. i will be missing every single person there. it's been a life changing six months for me, coming to church and the church resides in me. I just wished time can pause, I had more time, or taken up more chances to know more about everyone, in the end it's the people that matters the most. I preciously value every moment of church for the past few weeks as i finally opened my heart, a bit late, hehe, but i have been really happy :) im actually going away for work there, not that im never coming back, but not that frequently :) mom and sister are here, home is always here, it might be destiny i have to go abroad. sorry, scaring you off with the massive message, haha i just feel like you are someone i can pour my words out. look forward the next time we meet!!
...so of course, now I feel bad rejecting his invitation to a free concert, and stuff. Maybe I was a bit hasty in my decision, but I can't take it back. I also don't really know what just happened. I know what the texts said, but I don't know what they really said.
Not that it matters. He's going to China next Tuesday. And I don't think I'm even interested. Though I could be.
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