I'm not afraid of death. There are a number of reasons, I'm sure. I haven't experienced the loss of somebody who is very close to me (though I love my grandparents, we've always been physically very far apart). I don't fear the unexpected, be that foolish or wise. Maybe because it's because I'm still in my 20s and I'm still invincible. Maybe it's because I know where I'm going, and I trust in a life after death, and I hope for future glory. Maybe it's because of Disney, and the circle of life is ingrained in me.
For whatever reason, I accept death as a necessary and natural part of life.
I think death is probably more special than birth. New life is pretty awesome, creating a living, feeling, (hopefully) thinking being from a tiny egg and sperm. But how many people actually remember what it feels like to be born? Even though being born is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, you don't remember it. Death, on the other hand, is also a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But most people are able to fully experience it, whether it's a peaceful or violent death. And each person experiences it differently, I think. Being born kind of just happens to you, and you have yet to develop your senses or understand anything. Growing and living, though, brings so much more meaning to death. You get to experience death against the narrative of your life, against everything you've ever felt, everything you've ever known.
It's pretty cool.
I wonder how I'll go.
27 December 2011
21 December 2011
Reconnecting
Met up with my ex-John tonight. Well..it wasn't just us; two of our friends were there, too. We decided to meet at Coldstone, and it was okay. Not as awkward as I was bracing myself for, but not completely smooth sailing. Don't get me wrong, it has been our most normal hang out by far. That is...since the break up....6 years ago.
It's weird. Though we probably haven't spoken more than a couple dozen words to each other in the past 6 years, there are (many) times where I still really miss him, and wish we were still friends. Heck, there are times when I think that I want to still be with him. But then, I realize that nothing's changed between us; the reasons I broke up with him are still the same, and the same problems would still be there. What is that problem, you ask? It's stupid, but it's because he's not Christian. And since that was the reason I gave back then, how could I go against my word now and ignore that? Anyway, I'm not here to harp on that point again.
Tonight, I gave both him and the other guy their Christmas presents. I got them each a bottle of wine. Why? I know they're both self-proclaimed wine snobs, but I know I picked good wines. I wasn't expecting to spend so much on them, but there I was, with handwritten tasting notes to go with them. Yes I was nervous about tonight. The last time John and I were hanging out, we hardly said hello or goodbye, let alone have a real conversation. Yes. I tried to buy him with presents and alcohol. Did it work? I think so.
All day, as I was mentally preparing for tonight's hangout, I thought, maybe there's a chance that I still like him? Maybe there's a chance for something to happen this weekend? But throughout the evening, I realized that I like the old him, before be became all worldly and jaded and cynical. I don't like the present him, though I think we're still highly compatible.
But I think, most of all, I just miss being close to someone; I just miss being close to a guy. Being able to have that one guy who understands me, who will listen to me, who will try his hardest to be there for me. Not someone who puts me on a pedestal and is afraid of me, but someone who unconditionally loves me. I know, God loves me, and accepts me and all my flaws, but I miss having a here-and-now-person like that. And I guess I just realize more and more each day that he was the closest guy I've had.
But this might just be the bourbon speaking now.
It's weird. Though we probably haven't spoken more than a couple dozen words to each other in the past 6 years, there are (many) times where I still really miss him, and wish we were still friends. Heck, there are times when I think that I want to still be with him. But then, I realize that nothing's changed between us; the reasons I broke up with him are still the same, and the same problems would still be there. What is that problem, you ask? It's stupid, but it's because he's not Christian. And since that was the reason I gave back then, how could I go against my word now and ignore that? Anyway, I'm not here to harp on that point again.
Tonight, I gave both him and the other guy their Christmas presents. I got them each a bottle of wine. Why? I know they're both self-proclaimed wine snobs, but I know I picked good wines. I wasn't expecting to spend so much on them, but there I was, with handwritten tasting notes to go with them. Yes I was nervous about tonight. The last time John and I were hanging out, we hardly said hello or goodbye, let alone have a real conversation. Yes. I tried to buy him with presents and alcohol. Did it work? I think so.
All day, as I was mentally preparing for tonight's hangout, I thought, maybe there's a chance that I still like him? Maybe there's a chance for something to happen this weekend? But throughout the evening, I realized that I like the old him, before be became all worldly and jaded and cynical. I don't like the present him, though I think we're still highly compatible.
But I think, most of all, I just miss being close to someone; I just miss being close to a guy. Being able to have that one guy who understands me, who will listen to me, who will try his hardest to be there for me. Not someone who puts me on a pedestal and is afraid of me, but someone who unconditionally loves me. I know, God loves me, and accepts me and all my flaws, but I miss having a here-and-now-person like that. And I guess I just realize more and more each day that he was the closest guy I've had.
But this might just be the bourbon speaking now.
02 December 2011
You're So Sexy
Maybe it's just me, but as I scroll down my facebook feed, I can't help but feel like our standards of sexiness or hotness has just...gone way down. Maybe it's a good thing, that there isn't one ideal figure, that people are more accepting of all shapes and sizes. Or maybe these words don't carry the same gravity that they used to. Or maybe I'm just really mean and judgmental, which is probably the most likely choice.
Whenever I photo stalk my "friends," there are some who I think are very deserving of the "you're so hot" comments, but there are many, MANY that don't. No matter how objective I try to be, no matter how much I squint my eyes and tilt my face, I just can't see it. And I think, aww..so-and-so has really nice friends who really love all of who they are. But for me, I could never say you're a sexy momma or you're hot stuff if I didn't really think so. I'll say things like, oh what a nice dress! or your eyes are gorgeous, but that's about it.
And if anyone says it to me, it doesn't make me feel better or more confident. I don't think, yeah...I AM hot stuff. No matter how much I hear it or say it to myself, I don't believe it any more than if nobody said anything. I just think they're trying to flatter me, or they just say anything for lack of something substantive. Either way, I think there's too many of those comments floating around. Its fine if people say a healthy, symmetrical, balanced person is sexy, but please, don't attach those comments to an unhealthily overweight, spilling-out-of-her-clothes slob. That's just gross.
Whenever I photo stalk my "friends," there are some who I think are very deserving of the "you're so hot" comments, but there are many, MANY that don't. No matter how objective I try to be, no matter how much I squint my eyes and tilt my face, I just can't see it. And I think, aww..so-and-so has really nice friends who really love all of who they are. But for me, I could never say you're a sexy momma or you're hot stuff if I didn't really think so. I'll say things like, oh what a nice dress! or your eyes are gorgeous, but that's about it.
And if anyone says it to me, it doesn't make me feel better or more confident. I don't think, yeah...I AM hot stuff. No matter how much I hear it or say it to myself, I don't believe it any more than if nobody said anything. I just think they're trying to flatter me, or they just say anything for lack of something substantive. Either way, I think there's too many of those comments floating around. Its fine if people say a healthy, symmetrical, balanced person is sexy, but please, don't attach those comments to an unhealthily overweight, spilling-out-of-her-clothes slob. That's just gross.
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