Vulnerable, I Am Not.

Today was not a good day. For me, it was an okay day; for my brother, it was a horrible day. He got in a tiff with his girlfriend. The original reason doesn't matter, but she doesn't want to talk about it, and that's why he's upset. He wants to talk about it, together, to work through it and grow as a couple. She doesn't want to talk about it, just  let it pass, ignore it, and it will fix itself. Seeing my brother's state all day today, I understand why he wants to talk; being a passive-aggressive like her, I understand why she doesn't want to talk. So I just sat there. And tonight, I just sat on my brother's bed, listening, trying to be there for him. But he wants to talk. So we get to talking every now and then.

I didn't really know what to say. He says it's important for couples to talk through things together, not just one person dealing with it. I said I just deal with it. If I have a problem with the guy, I'll just deal with it on my own. My brother doesn't get that. I said something about how marriage is a commitment, not based on warm, happy feelings called "love," but a conscious decision to be with a person, no matter what. He said that it's different with a spouse, that I'd have to eventually open up to the person, to allow myself to get hurt, to be vulnerable with him. He doesn't want me to be in a relationship where I'm just bearing with the guy, where I'm "dealing" with it on my own. I said I don't know how to be vulnerable, that I can't trust people, that I don't trust anyone 100% right now, and I probably wouldn't trust my husband 100%, even after we're married. He said he knows that I'm a strong, independent person, but that some day, someone will want to care for me, that I won't have to be strong and independent before him.

And that made me cry.

I don't know why. I told him, I want nothing more than to not have to be strong. But hearing it from someone else, it didn't seem possible. I just, don't really believe that that'll ever happen to me, for me. The more I think about it, the less it seems like I'll ever find someone to be weak with, where I don't have to try so hard, someone I can be open and vulnerable to, even though I don't know how.

I've always thought that I'd find someone. The possibility of not has never seriously crossed my mind. But tonight, I really don't see it happening. Ever. And I feel resigned to that. As if I gave up hope on finding him. The idea that nobody but Jesus will love me. I'm sure I'll get married, that I'll make that leap, that commitment. But will I reach that level of trust and vulnerability? I don't know.

And that makes me sad. To the point of tears.