Nowhere to go. No one to turn to. So here I am. Being brutally honest with myself. Facing my truth.
The truth is, this year has been difficult. This week has been difficult. And I don't think I'm doing very well these days. Moments of self-doubt, moments where all I want to do is break down and cry. But there's always something holding me back, not letting me be vulnerable with myself. Afraid that if I do allow that second of weakness, that I'll never recover. Mostly, it's me being stupid and letting my thoughts be wrapped up in self pity.
It's difficult to appear strong, cool, and collected, when I've been rejected on so many fronts. I'm not sure which is the final straw, but perhaps this camel has reached her tipping point.
I've made it to the final interview just to be told (or not told) that the hiring committee has decided to go with another candidate, and thank you for my time. Not just once or twice, but I've made the final interview at every school I've interviewed at. Why make me jump through hoops getting my lesson plans, references, and writing samples if you're not going to hire me? Am I really THAT close every time, and yet still lacking?
Dating in NYC is difficult. I understand that, and I'm not expecting Prince Charming to drive up, hold the door open, and sweep me off my feet. I expect relationships to be work and compromise. But I never thought that I was bad at dating, until this summer. I'm not socially unaware. I know how to act, what to wear, what to say, on a date. Not that I'm pretending I'm someone I'm not, but let's be honest — there's a necessary song and dance that's appropriate for these social situations. When there's no chemistry, and both parties are aware, and agree to move on, that's normal. But when there is chemistry and compatibility, and everyone seems to have had a good time, what's the problem then? And not even the courtesy to tell me that you're not interested. Just..radio silence? Really?
And lastly, this summer has made it painfully aware that one of my closest and longest friendships has run its course. I've been friends with this girl since 1996. Best friends. We could see each other every day at school, then talk on the phone for hours and still not run out of things to talk about. She was the closest of my friends, but over the years, she's decided to not invest in our relationship. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, she hasn't really been there, or even indicated that she's trying. While it's true that we always pick up where we left off, and things are fine, but who is happy with a stagnating relationship? If we're not moving forward, we're moving backward, and all those other cliche idioms. I saw it coming, but I always came up with excuses defending her absences for her. There is a point when it's time to punch out, and I suppose the end-of-the-work-day bell rang this summer. I've thought about confronting her about it, but will that really change anything at this point? I suppose it's time to find a new Netflix account to share.
All this to say, I'm tired. I'm tired of acting like these things don't phase me, like I'm ok with everything. I'm tired of putting myself out there. I want to keep my head down and stay in my comfortable routine. But I won't. I know I won't. Whether I like it or not, there is this hope flickering inside me, saying, "Just one more. It'll be this next one, trust me."
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